


please, don't bite

by writevale



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: (Husband), A good scientist just wants to be a good husband, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Horror, Canon-Typical Violence, Carlos is a Good Boyfriend, Complete, M/M, Minor Character Death, Plot Twist, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-08-10 21:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20142172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writevale/pseuds/writevale
Summary: A stranger arrived in town today. The woman shambled in from the North approximately 30 minutes ago, with her limbs swaying weakly and lips pulled back from her teeth in a fixed snarl. Alert residents on the edge of town commented on the odd, rust colour of her eyes and each of them knew with immediate certainty that this creature was - most definitely - a resident of that hateful city: Desert Bluffs.Transcribed communications from the end of a friendly desert community.





	1. Chapter 1

[UNKNOWN 1] This is everything, then?

[UNKNOWN 2] Yes. We had their recordings and other communications transcribed and then destroyed. There'll be no record it happened. Well, aside from. . .

[UNKNOWN 1] He decided to keep it?

[UKNOWN 2] He did.

[UNKNOWN 1] This cannot happen again.

[UNKNOWN 2] It won't.

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_A stranger arrived in town today. The woman shambled in from the North approximately 30 minutes ago, with her limbs swaying weakly and lips pulled back from her teeth in a fixed snarl. Alert residents who saw her shuffle down the sidewalk commented on the odd, rust colour of her eyes and each of them knew with immediate certainty that this creature was - most definitely - a resident of that hateful city: Desert Bluffs. _

_The woman appeared deaf to the voracious cries of INTERLOPER from several of our brave town citizens, a phenomenon plausibly explained by the fact that, when Tamika Flynn struck her squarely in the face with a copy of Richard Matheson's I Am Legend, both her ears fell off. Since the ordinance by Ex-Mayor Dana Cardinal welcoming previous Desert Bluffs residents into our community, the Sheriff's Secret Police can do nothing but observe as this terror drags its bloated and stumbling body further into the centre of town. _

_More on that later. But, first, a message from our sponsor. _

______

TO: <Team Science>

FROM: <Carlos>

RE: Imminent Disaster? (Again)

Hi all,

Listening to Cecil's show and it looks like something might be about to kick off in the centre of town? I know that there's only Mish who was planning on being in town today but stay safe, everyone. Maybe try get back to the lab ASAP in case we're needed?

Also, just a reminder for everyone make sure the refrigerator room door is PROPERLY closed after they've been in there. Our resident biologist has lost several important samples this week and might just throw coffee on yours if it keeps happening.

Be careful out there,

Carlos

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE] _Welcome back, listeners. More on the story of the stranger in town, I have John Peters - you know, the farmer - on the line. John, tell us what is going on out there. _

[JOHN PETERS, FARMER]_ Howdy, Cecil. Well, I was just in the centre of town getting my permit to grow imaginary corn re-approved by the vast, grey, suited beast in the Town Hall when I noticed this woman making her way into the centre of the town square. Now, I lived in Night Vale my whole life and I ain't ever seen her before - or even anything like her - she looked like she was from Desert Bluffs. _

[CP]_ Ugh. _

[JP]_ Yeah, well, I was always raised to be the friendly sort so I shouted -- INTERLOPER -- at her and pointed but she didn't even look in my direction. She just kept shufflin' into the centre of the town square and - oh! _

[CP] _What, John, what do you see? _

[JP] _She's stopped. She's stopped right in the centre of the town square. There's a crowd of us, I can see Diane Crayton and her boy, Pamela Winchell and there's a scientist-_

[CP] _A scientist? Which scientist? John? _

[JP] _I don't know, a lady scientist? The woman, she's moving. She's looking around at all of us. God, her eyes are so - Oh, oh God, Cecil she's looking at me. _

[CP] _Be careful, John. What is she doing now? _

[JP] _She's just looking - her eyes, Cecil, her eyes. I wish I could back away but there is only the smooth stone of the sealed entrance to the City Hall behind me. She's - She's - Oh GOD. Help! Help she's running at _

[CP] _John! Are you okay? John?! _

[JP] _Help me -- please-- she's biting - she's BITING ME_

[A single, deafening gunshot]

[Silence]

______

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST] Mish! Thank God you picked up!

[MISHTI, A SCIENTIST] I didn't pick up because I was trying to call you, idiot! I'm driving back now.

[CARLOS] Cecil is covering the story on his show, what the Hell is going on out there?

[MISHTI] There was this woman. She - well, I'm just going to put it out there, she's a full-on zombie. I'm not joking , boss. She's literally decomposed and moving. She ran at the farmer guy -

[CARLOS] - John Peters, you -

[MISHTI] - Stop that! Yeah and she, I don't know. I didn't see the actual attack because I was reading your email but next thing I know some PTA mom has put a bullet through her and John Whatever is on the floor bleeding all over the place.

[CARLOS] Oh my God.

[MISHTI] Yeah, I don't fucking know. I just don't even fucking know.

[CARLOS] Is John okay?

[MISHTI] I left him with the others. He was bleeding pretty badly though, he'll probably need to see a doctor or something because there's no way this woman isn't carrying _something_.

[CARLOS] You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting. Mish, _zombies_?

[MISHTI] Well, that's why I called.

[CARLOS] I don't like your tone.

[MISHTI] You might want to get a bench ready.

[CARLOS] Mish-

[MISHTI] And a hazardous materials suit. She's in the back of my car.

[CARLOS] Mish! Oh my God. _Fuck_. Right. [Muttering in Non-weird Spanish] I can't believe I'm going to ask this . . . Where is the bullet?

[MISHTI] What?

[CARLOS] Where was she shot?

[MISHTI] In the head. Hey, thanks for getting on board.

[Call ended]

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_Listeners, Intern Patrick and I have been unable to get back in contact with John Peters but reports of further disturbances in the centre of town have been flooding in. With the City Council on holiday, no mayor to guide us and Sheriff Sam still working on their clay model response, I feel that it is my duty to advise you all to stay inside, avoid public spaces and - I don't know - make a sacrifice to your preferred deity. _

_Intern Patrick has . . . volunteered to head out of the station to try and get an accurate account of just what is going on out there. We wish him the very best of luck. _

_In the meantime, stay safe, Night Vale. Stay _ ** _safe_ ** **. **

**______**

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST]

Ooookay.

This is Dr Carlos Palmer, formally known as Carlos The Scientist - which is ridiculous, by the way -

Okay. Focus.

I am recording this on my phone because I can't type with these gloves on and I have a feeling things might be about to get - uh - messy. As per the recommendations of my colleague, I got pretty creative with the plastic sheeting in the refrigerated cold room and have moved a bench in to create what can only be described as a budget Dexter moment.

The - um, I don't want to call her a specimen - uhhh . . .

Well, I am observing a humanoid form that appears to be biologically female. The body is supine on the bench and appears to be, I dunno, about 170cm tall and, God, she can't weigh much more than 100 pounds. Carrying her in was no issue at all. Most striking, is the fact that, as per Dr Anand's warnings, the woman appears to be at least partially decomposed. There are strips of rotting flesh hanging from the extensor muscle groups of her forearms and legs, her abdomen is bloated - incredibly so - the skin so taut that her belly button has almost disappeared. This suggests to me that the process of putrefaction has been ongoing for longer than would usually be allowed for a human being or faster than would usually occur. It definitely smells like it.

Without conferring with a pathologist, I would be reluctant to propose a time of death for this woman but certainly the evidence suggests that the decomposition process began long before she was shot.

Which is, of course, a scientific implausibility.

Considering the cranium, then. The eyes are open and, true to other reports, the irises are a rich coppery colour. It would be fanciful of me to imply that they seem too striking to be naturally human so I won't. I'm scientifically not implying that. The lips have cracked and wasted away into two meaty fringes, revealing yellowing teeth below. I'm not - I'm not getting too close just yet but I think I can see patches of mould between the teeth and I hope that John Peters sought out some medical attention. Jesus.

In accordance with the consistently accurate reporting from Cecil - no, that's biased - um. I also report that the woman has no ears. There is a large, depressed skull fracture on the left side, consistent with a reported fatal shooting. I can see the brain tissue through the opening into the skull and it's - huh. That's weird.

I have no intention of sullying my scientific reporting with human emotion. But I am intending on taking a sample of the brain tissue for further study and -

My hands are shaking. Hah. I am so full of adrenaline right now.

I keep expecting her to move.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay! Samples taken. She didn't jump up and grab me. I guess I'm not living out a zombie movie. So, that's something. I'm going to take some blood and swab the mouth - see if we can't tell John Peters what antifungals he needs. Mish - Dr Anand - gave me a whole bunch of scalpels and buckets to use but, aside from the brain tissue collected, I actually fear that there is too much pressure from the gas inside the body to attempt to puncture it. I'm not sure the grant covers cleaners in the event of dismembered human in the lab and - most critically - this is almost certainly a biohazard.

Okay.

MISH? GET ICE READY, I'VE TAKEN SAMPLES.

[Knocking]

MISH? I'M READY TO COME OUT.

MISH?

[More knocking]

MISH! OPEN THE DOOR.

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT FUNNY.

[Banging]

MISHTI!

Holy fuck, what were you playing at?

No! Don't touch me, I'm contaminated!

[MISHTI] I was on the phone to Mark and the others! They're laying low in the house. Mark is actually listening to Cecil for once, can you believe that?

. . . I'm sorry - I was on the phone.

[CARLOS] It's fine.

[MISHTI] Boss, are you okay?

[CARLOS] Are _you_ okay? You look a bit flushed.


	2. Chapter 2

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_Listeners. This is what we know. _

_We know that Diane Crayton took a bleeding John Peters by the arm and led him towards her car. We know that her son, Josh Crayton followed them a few paces behind, unable to tear his gaze away from the terrifying form of the woman his mother had just shot in the head. We know that Diane, still in a state of shock, snapped at Josh to hurry up and get in the car and so he spent the short car journey out of the centre of town to the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex as An Anxious Feeling of Impending Doom. And this, no doubt, did nothing to allay the concerns of the sweating and shaking John Peters in the passenger seat of Diane's SUV. _

_We know that, only a few minutes away from their intended destination and medical attention, John Peters said 'Ms Crayton, I am not feeling so good.' and when Diane turned to glance at her charge, she saw his normally milky eyes had taken a metallic, earthy sheen. Diane had only a moment in which she cried 'Josh!' before John Peters attacked her, biting at her shoulder from across the car. He turned, mouth bloodied, to find that the other occupant of the car had shape-shifted into a dragonfly and was zooming out of the window to a destination yet unknown. The car swerved out into the middle of the road before skidding to a halt. _

_The Secret Police Officer who had been lazily tailing Diane's car since she openly fired a gun in the town square, murdering another person, finally pulled up beside the vehicle. 'You know we can't have this, Diane.' They said, reaching into their glove compartment for the appropriate paperwork. _

_'Help.' Diane gurgled as she tried to speak, 'Help Josh.' _

_Things happened much more quickly after that. The unnamed Secret Police Officer was also bitten and, in turn, attacked every innocent town resident and several guilty-looking ones on their way back into town. The victims of these attacks appear to lose the capability to drive, electing to walk with slow, stuttering steps before bursting into a sprint when they encounter another person. _

_Listeners, here in our quiet burgh we are not strangers to peculiar goings on but this is unlike anything I have reported on before. This is what we know: currently a large number of Night Vale residents have been subjected to what can only be described as 'bite attacks' from other citizens. The biters do not appear to be in a state of full consciousness and either cannot or will not be reasoned with. So far none of the attacks have been fatal but, on the other hand, the longest time period a citizen has gone between being bitten and biting another person is 24 minutes. _

_People of Night Vale, it is not safe out there. Stay in your homes and workplaces. Arm yourselves. _

_Arm yourselves, Night Vale. _

______

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST] 

Dr Carlos Palmer, again. 

My colleagues are not currently present. Those who weren't already present in the lab have been forbidden from leaving their apartment. Dr An-

Dr Anand. 

At her insistence, I have locked Dr Mishti Anand in the larger office upstairs. While I was examining the woman she brought in - 

I am trying to be rational about this, but _fuck_. 

While I was distracted with the dead woman, Mishti decided to inject herself with her own sample of the woman's saliva. I have her notes here detailing the exact experimental conditions in front of me but I can barely see to read them right now. She didn't even look at the sample through a microscope first! I told her that she was insane and suicidal and I don't even want to believe what Cecil is reporting on the radio right now, but her zombie hypothesis is ringing scarily true. 

She argued that I needed accurate experimental conditions and, since the Faceless Old Woman ate all our lab rats, she would have to do. She _argued _that I would have done the same thing if I was her. And I - I can't comment on that because I know that I developed my sense of caution right about when Cecil and I started dating. But this is why we do things as a _team_. So that Mark and I can stop any reckless and stupid acts in the name of science before one of us gets killed. Or turns in to a zombie and starts killing other people. 

Mishti has been texting me with the symptoms she is experiencing. Currently, the list includes: fever, joint aches, headache, blurred vision, nausea, rigors and itching. 

[Ping!]

Another text. She's just vomited. Do I want a sample of it leaving outside the door? 

[Tapping] 

Okay, I'm trying not to get too popular science fiction about this because the last time I got too popular science fiction was with the Ooze that we found and we all know how well that worked for me. 

So. This sudden and violent spread of - _something - _is being passed between people via contact between saliva and blood. The affected people - who are now being referred to as the _biters _\- have a short prodrome of flu-like symptoms, probably masked in most cases by the shock of having someone bite you until you bleed, before apparently losing sanity and attacking others in the same way. 

Current hypotheses mainly revolve around a fast acting bacterial or viral infection that appears to be targeting the central nervous system given the rapid personality changes. It's just _so fast_. 

What I don't understand is how the condition develops from those who have just been infected to the woman in the refrigerator room. 

[Ping!]

[Ping!]

Mishti says her hands are shaking too much to type but she's sent me a voice note. Um, how do I? 

[MISHTI] Hey, boss, I'm not feeling great. I'm sure you're already on it but this thing smacks of a viral encephalitis so if you could just rustle up a little vaccine, that would be _great_. I've left some vomit and blood for you on ice outside but I'd come get it sooner rather than later because - well, I don't think I have that long. 

[CARLOS] Okay, for the record. I'm going to culture the samples I have from the woman, just in case it's actually bacterial. Um, then I'm going to ring Mark so he can talk me through how to get viral protein from this brain tissue. And then I'm going to get Mishti's samples and run those. 

And I'm going to contact my husband. 

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_Do you have _ ** _cravings_ ** **? ** _Do you have a desperate secret, coiled like a snake in your chest? One that slithers up your trachea on a night to whisper 'pleasssssssse'? Do you long to sink your teeth into that one thing you crave? _

_Pritt Stick! Buy a Pritt Stick! _

_My husband, the glorious and heroic scientist, Carlos, called me during that short advertisement break and I am sure that you all will be as relieved as I am to know that Night Vale's most misunderstood saviours are currently still fit and well, even if the majority of them are trapped, safe but useless, in their shared home. Carlos - brave and intelligent, Carlos - is working in a frantic rush in his laboratory, sure that with the right samples and a little time he will be able to find a cure for this terrifying affliction that is spreading throughout town. _

_Well, what he actually said was: 'Cecil, Cecil this is really bad. Really, really bad. I don't know what I'm doing!'_

_But, honestly, Listeners, the number of times that man has said he doesn't know what he's doing and then whipped something miraculous out of the metaphorical science bag! I have every confidence in his scientific capabilities and you should too. _

_He also stressed the importance of staying safe, quiet and hidden and I assured him, as I am about to assure you, that I have locked and barricaded the door to the recording studio and will ensure that Intern Patrick does the same to the rest of the station when he returns. Honestly, if a biter wants to come and take on Station Management then be my guest._

________

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST]

The samples are running. 

There was no sound coming from inside the office when I went to collect Mishti's samples but - I know I'm a coward - I was too scared to knock on the door and ask if she was okay. I feel that if she was okay, then fine, she's okay and I would feel a bit more optimistic but wouldn't open the door anyway. And, if she wasn't okay, she wouldn't be sane enough to let me know that in a way that didn't involve her tearing down the door to attack me. So.

I know I'm a coward. 

I can hear gunshots in the carpark of Big Rico's. It's horrible. My parents always used to tell me about how they could never sleep at night as children because their neighbourhoods had huge gang violence problems and there'd be shootings most nights. They'd get really solemn - and, honestly this story always came out when my sister and I were close to complaining about whatever first-world problem was upsetting us - and talk about how part of the reason they moved to America was --

Oh _shit _

Holy fuck

Holy- 

Fuck

_Fuck _

[Whispering] 

I've just noticed that the door to the refrigerator room is open. _How can it be open?_

Oh

_Dios mío _

______

**Text messages to: Perfect Carlos [heart eyes emoji][two boys holding hands emoji][man being consumed by fire but looking pleased about it emoji] **

Hi baby, I hope you're okay. Dana texted, apparently they got her brother but she is okay so far. She asked me not to say anything on the radio. I can't stop thinking about what you said on the phone about being 'kind of' alone in the lab. I don't want to make threats but I REALLY hope you are staying safe. I love you so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

How is it going, honey? [heart beating furiously emoji] xxxxxx

Carlos, I know you're busy working out a way to sort this mess out but I can't stop imaging the worst. Please just send me a thumbs up or something so I know you're okay. I love you xxxxxxxx

The biters got Dana 

Carlos tell me you're okay 

I'm going to cut to the weather and call you 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, guys!
> 
> I, too, am hoping to whip something miraculous out of the metaphorical science bag as my masters dissertation is due in this time next week!! [the sound of heavy rain and someone on the edge]
> 
> 1 kudos = 1 prayer for Carlos


	3. Chapter 3

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST] Hey, sorry I'm probably busy doing science or - um - _something _right now. Leave a message!

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE] _Carlos, there had better be a good reason why you are not answering the phone right now and that reason had better not be because you're valiantly fighting off hordes of biters in your laboratory, armed only with a pipette and a smashed Erlenmeyer flask. I've been trying to downplay it on the radio so people don't panic too much but more than half the town has been affected by this - thing. Dana is gone, Carlos. Steve has been texting me - I know, it takes all this to make me grateful for a text from Steve Carlsberg - he's managed to get Janice's wheelchair up into the attic and is hiding up there with her and Abby and enough ammunition to take out a small militia. _

_Tamika and her group of children are fighting them but nothing seems to be working. _

_Babe, I'm scared and I really, really need you to call me and let me know that you're okay because I need you to be okay. I really need you to be okay. _

_It all reminds me of when you were trapped in the Desert Otherworld and I never knew if each phone call was going to be the last- _

_I'm sorry. I'm getting carried away with myself and the town needs me to stay calm and keep reporting. But I need _ ** _you _ ** _to be okay. I know you can figure something out. _

_The weather's ending- _

_I have to go. _

_Call me back, okay. _

_I love you so much. _

______

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST] 

I texted Cecil back but I didn't - I didn't exactly tell him what happened. He wanted me to call but I can't - I just can't right now. 

The woman - the decomposing, clearly dead woman with the bullet lodged in her cerebrum - wasn't dead. Either the refrigerator door is faulty and it opened and she got out - which would explain why our samples keep going off - or, and this is a nasty thought, she opened the door herself. I saw her, shuffling in the way you'd expect a dead person with strips of muscle hanging off them to shuffle. The only guns in this lab are pipette guns.

[Laughing] Sorry, that's not funny. [More laughter] I'm hysterical. That's okay. Phew.

I wasn't thinking straight, but I decided that the best course of action was to get up on the lab bench so I could get out of the window or run past her or something. She was_ fast_. Much faster than anyone in her state of decomposition should be, speaking purely from the point of view of science. She ran at me and I panicked. I grabbed for the edges of the PCR machine and tipped $9000 worth of science equipment onto her. It almost bounced off her distended abdomen and settled on her chest. I swear I heard ribs crunching as it trapped her, face-up on the lab floor. She was snapping her jaws against thin air. I can still hear it. And she was staring at me with those unnatural rust-coloured eyes.

Note: I swear I read something years ago about viral infection changing someone's eye colour. Ebola, maybe?

It's weird. In the moment, I had zero issues dropping a 50 kilo machine on her. That _could _have killed her. But when she was trapped and helpless, gnashing her teeth at me, I didn't want to do it.

However, for scientific and survival purposes, I grudgingly report that stabbing a serological pipette into the brain through each eye appears to have worked.

It's too much of a risk to try and move her so, as undignified and frankly disgusting as it is, I've had to leave her there on the floor. I spent the whole time I was texting Cecil trying not to consider the fact that maybe there's someone out there who loves her as much as I love him.

I've never killed someone before.

And the worst part. The worst part is that when I leaned to grab the PCR machine, she grazed my leg with her teeth. It wasn't a bite, the wasn't enough time for her to bite me but I can still feel the sting of it across my shin because I am a stupid fucking asshole who does science in the fucking desert and so wears shorts in the lab.

Mishti hasn't sent me any messages in the last ten minutes.

So far, the hypothesis has been saliva to blood contact as the mechanism of infection. I've checked my leg. I scrubbed it with ethanol. I -

I don't know what I'm going to do if the hypothesis needs to be broadened.

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_Those of you who can still hear my voice. I fear that the worst is not yet over. _

_The small remaining faction of the Secret Police, including Sheriff Sam, have taken to the skies in attempts to control the lurching, snapping population of biters roaming the streets. They are armed, if you will excuse the pun, to the teeth but, given that the regular work of a Secret Police Officer involves sitting in a van listening to people complaining about their jobs and using the bathroom, they're all terrible at long distance shooting. 'Well, this is a trifle difficult, isn't it?' Sam was heard to holler over the helicopter propellers. So far, they are yet to hit a single affected person. _

_Not all hope is lost though. My husband, Carlos, is hard at work on a cure for this devastation. So hard at work, in fact, that he didn't reply to any of my texts or calls for 23 minutes! Which I didn't find concerning. At. All. _

_Oh! Intern Patrick has returned! Well done, Patrick! To be honest, I really doubted you were gonna make it out there- _

_Um, Intern Patrick is being a little weird. He's- _

_Oh. _

_His eyes are so wrong. They were green but now, now they are the colour of the rust that forms on your first childhood bike when you outgrow it and leave it in the rain. Like a ring of copper wire in flames. _

_He's circled closer to the glass and I can see it now, the dark brown stain in his Night Vale Community Radio T-shirt. _

_To the family of Intern Patrick: I am going to sit, very still and very quiet, in my chair so your son does not bite me. His green eyes and sanity will be very much missed. _

_I - oh! He's leaving. He's left the control room - maybe he's gone to get me a coffee. Hah. That would really be a first for Intern Patrick! _

_Listen- _

_No, wait! He's back! He _

_He _

_He's got Khoshekh. _

_______ _

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST]

The - The readings- Ugh, sorry my mouth is so dry - the readings from the protein analysis make literally no sense at all.

They definitely show the presence of large, carbon-based structures - and I'm not a true biologist but, proteins, right? - but they're clearly bound to something. Something whose atoms are huge and heavy. Honestly, the size of these molecules -

\- Sorry, just give me a minute -

-The size of the molecules suggests that they would be far too large to enter a normal human cell and replicate like a typical virus. I mean, I'm definitely jumping far too far ahead in my thinking but perhaps it's not a normal virus? Perhaps it has some kind of toxic effect?

The only saving grace is that the same odd not-protein was identified in Mishti's samples too - the blood and the vomit - and so I can safely assume that this is it.

But, if I found it in Mishti's vomit as well as her blood then it's clearly replicating somehow -

Sorry, I'm so tired. 

Uh, what was I saying?

[Pause]

Yeah, right. So the not-protein must be replicating somehow. Moving from blood into the intestinal contents is strange, most pathogens aim to go the other way. But then I guess the more places it is, the more chances it has of infecting someone else.

Also, for the first time in the history of Night Vale's Scientific pursuits, the sample is not radioactive. Can I just repeat that for clarity? There is a sample in this laboratory that is NOT radioactive. I might call my Mama. It's also kind of ironic that most of my post-doc research has been into radioactive isotopes - um, I'm kind of an expert - and here, at the end of the fucking world, I have to solve a problem that has _nothing _to do with radioactivity.

Ugh. Sorry, I

No. I'm fine. A scientist is _always _fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to the people who are reading and (hopefully) enjoying! 
> 
> Hands up who thinks Cecil is going to let Khoshekh go quietly?   
Hm, no. Me neither.


	4. Chapter 4

TO: <Carlos>

CC: <Team Science>

FROM: <BioMark>

RE: Not-Proteins

Boss,

Thanks for sending me the data. I know that now is not the time to make jokes about physicists . . . But you have heard of haemoglobin, right? Perhaps you have more data, or have a valid reason to conclude that the pathogen is not a protein but, in my opinion, it looks like you have a large polypeptide tertiary structure with some kind of heavy metal in its quaternary structure. I can feel your disappointment that it's not radioactive from here.

You need to find an antibody for it, and fast. Maybe you can chelate it? We'll keep looking. I really wish I could be there and be more help.

Mish hasn't called in a while, I hope you're both okay. Don't let her do anything stupid.

This might be inappropriate, but I just want to say that, whatever happens, we trust your decisions and it has been a real pleasure working with you.

Mark

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_He's got my boy_

_Those of you who are frequent listeners of my show will know that Khoshekh - the cat who lives in the men's bathroom here at the station, hovering in a fixed position 4 feet above the floor - has been a constant and reliable companion for a number of years now. _

_I can't _

_Intern Patrick has carried my sweet and precious Khoshekh into the control room and is circling his suspended form. _

_Khoshekh has his spines on show, they're dripping his viscous poison onto the floor of the control room but - Well, Intern Patrick seems unfazed by this. Listeners, may I remind you with no small hint of pride, that Khoshekh is both poisonous AND venomous. _

_Oh, he really is such a talented kitty. _

_Intern Patrick is circling him, still. Shark-like. I don't want to jump to conclusions. Perhaps he has brought Khoshekh into the control room because it's safer. It's unlikely that I wouldn't have heard or felt any tremors in the foundation of the building, but perhaps Station Management has chosen now to make their biannual toilet trip. _

_Khoshekh is moving his little paws through the air as though treading water. And - oh_

_Oh, you_

_Khoshekh still has a blind spot in his periphery from the time he was attacked by a Strex Pet. Intern - no, I'm going to say it - EX-Intern Patrick has stopped, right in that blind spot. _

_Khoshekh is stressed, his spines are shaking, hackles raised. He's, Listeners, this booth is soundproof but, I can see his fanged maw working._

_He's meowing for help._

_I know that it would be an act of absolute lunacy if I were to attempt to distract Ex-Intern Patrick from Khoshekh. I know that. _

_I know that I have a duty to all Night Vale citizens who can still hear and understand my words. I know - _

_Hey!_

_HEY! _

_[The squeaking sound of an office chair being rolled backwards] _

_HEY! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU. _

_[The sound of a fist against glass] _

_YEAH, PUNK. LOOK AT ME_

_LEAVE MY CAT ALONE _

_HEY! LEAVE HIM _

_Oh, Listeners! Intern Patrick appears to have seen me. Even from where I was hiding, stock-still and silent in my booth. He is pressing his face up against the glass, jaw working rhythmically and silently, face contorted into a snarl. _

_The glass separating my recording booth from the control room is thick and unyielding. _

_[Bang] _

_I don't know if you can hear that, Listeners. But he has taken to _

_[Bang]_

_Banging against the glass. _

_It looks like it should hold _

_[Bang] _

_Why don't I try and sort this out while you listen to a message from one of our sponsors? _

______

[The sound of a car door slamming shut]

[The sound of an engine starting]

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST]  


I

Oh, Jesus.

I just caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror.

My left eye-

Fffffff-

Right. Well, that definitely goes some way to proving my suspicions that I have, in fact, been infected and am currently racing towards a violent and senseless purgatory from which there is no salvation because I have_ no cure_.

God, the streets are wrecked. I'm shocked that they're not already rife with Street Cleaners. Because that would really make the sun shine a little brighter.

I was listening to the radio, of course. I was rummaging through the freezers, throwing Eppendorf tube after Eppendorf tube onto the bench. All scientific reasoning and planning vanished in the face of blind panic and a trial and error approach. Trial and error. That is what I was resorting to. It makes me feel sick -

Ugh. No. I was just actually sick.

Disgusting. This coat was fresh on.

Right. I don't have long. Okay. Keep driving.

I was listening to the radio and I heard Cecil _taunting _that Intern and I just thought: what is the point? What is the point of me running round this lab when I _know _I'm not going to find anything because, even if I had the skills, I don't have the _time?_ And, what? Did I want to sit and wait for the results of whatever futile experiment, listening to the sound of glass breaking through the radio and -

There isn't a Night Vale worth saving if Cecil isn't in it.

Oh _shit!_

It's okay, it's fine. I just nearly ran over Janice Rio. No big deal.

[The sound of the car engine, laboured breathing]

Time doesn't work in Night Vale.

It hasn't since long before I got here - I think - and, when time doesn't work, it's very easy to trick yourself into thinking you have so much more of it.

And - God

I wasted so much time.

I know that hindsight is 20/20, but the number of long phone calls I had with Cecil where I told him that I'd be coming home soon when, firstly, 'soon' is the epitome of an ill-defined outcome, and secondly, I had no intention of leaving that Desert Otherworld until I'd discovered all its secrets. I thought -

I thought that it didn't matter how long I was away for because we kept promising each other we'd have forever when I got back.

And so, I guess - I know that it's fundamentally human but also fundamentally bad science to find hidden meaning in events and outcomes that actually have no correlation to one's personal circumstances. But I guess I'm thinking that if I can just save Cecil now, if I use my last - what, ten minutes? Twenty minutes? To turn my back on science and just focus on saving my husband, then it might make up for some of the lost time that I was _wasting _being a selfish asshole in a Desert Otherworld.

And, if I'm going to become fully infected. It would be nice to see him one last time.

Cecil, I didn't even _try _to look for a door. Okay? I never stopped loving you. Not for one second. But I didn't try to come home.

There. I said it and I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_Listeners, I come to you live from under my desk. _

_Reports from around town are still coming in, though the rate of text messages and carrier pigeons I am receiving has slowed considerably. I fear my suspicions as to why. The latest reports suggest that the biters have taken most of Old Town Night Vale and are sweeping mercilessly towards the Barista District. _

_[BANG]_

_I don't know what more advice I can offer to you remaining souls, other than to stay hidden. Like me. _

_Ex-Intern Patrick has taken to slamming his full torso against the glass. I never asked Patrick whether he was in the small percentage of residents who were unable to feel pain, but he definitely seems oblivious to the damage he is inflicting on his body now. _

_[BANG]_

_Like you all, I am still waiting nervously for any news from official sources, or from our town's most dedicated and brave scientist - _

_Listeners_

________

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST]

GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND, YOU FUCK

______

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_The constant, rhythmic banging against the glass has stopped. It sounds ridiculous, but I actually preferred it to this new quiet. I don't know where Ex-Intern Patrick is anymore. _

_Perhaps he has finally worn himself out. Or forgotten about me._

_Perhaps he has left the station. _

_Perhaps he has snuck, silently into my booth and is currently standing barely a foot away, chewing on the close air of the recording studio, waiting for the perfect moment- _

_[A quiet, polite knocking on glass] _

_I - what? _

_Carlos? _

_My sweet and perfect, Carlos! You came to - You came to save me. _

_I can't hear you through the glass! Quick, I'll open the door - why? Carlos? _

_Oh. Oh my God. No. Your eye. Honey, your eye. It's- _

_Listeners. _

_Listeners, I have been saved. My wonderful husband has come to my rescue with two long and sharp plastic tubes placed neatly through the eyes of Ex-Intern Patrick. Wait - he's mouthing something - they're in his brain. You have to get the biters in the brain. He thinks. _

_Carlos, Carlos, no. Listen. Just let me open the door- No, babe. Just let me open the door and we can figure something out. Carlos- stop it. Stop shaking your head! Let me open the door! _

_Why didn't you tell me you'd been infected?_

_Please, baby, let me open the door. _

_Please. _

_He's - um - he's totally legally writing something in marker on the glass. And he's written it backwards so I can see because he is, as he always has been, so smart._

_I- _

_I love you too. _

_He's pressing his hand up to the glass. And, so am I. And I wish, I wish I could lace our fingers together and touch him. I can see the thick layer of glass between our palms. Glass that has saved my life and a man - a man who has done that and more. _

_We are pressing our foreheads against this cold, unyielding glass and I am staring at his face and trying to drink in every detail. His delicate skin is flushed and his lips are chapped and there's the freckle that I love on his strong jaw. And, Gods, I can see so much of our life together in the lines on his perfect face. _

_Carlos_

_I suppose it would be hypocritical of me to tell you not to cry right now, huh? _

_[Muffled] [Incomplete translation] How ---- leaving ---- I'm still falling in love with you ----? _

_Carlos? _

_Carlos! _

_CARLOS_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouch. Poor boys, right?  
One more chapter to goooo. Thanks so much to everyone who's been reading along!


	5. Chapter 5

[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE]

_You won't remember this. But! You will remember other things: the tickle of peach fuzz against your lips, the glances around a small table when its someone's turn to get another round of drinks but nobody really wants to, the lights above the Arby's, tomorrow's radio broadcast. Not today's. _

_The black light receded and I was left in my recording booth. Alone. Carlos, my loyal and courageous Carlos, had disappeared and I sank to the floor, chest heaving. My mouth moved but no words could come out. He was gone. I squeezed my eyes shut tight as if I could undo the terrible situation simply by being blind to it and only opened them again when I heard a small voice among the blackness. _

_I recognised it. _

_There was void. It filled my eyes and seeped between my fingers. It curled into my lungs like smoke. I spun in the darkness and my heart leapt, my heart soared, my heart slid across a recently polished floor on its knees. Carlos was there. _

_'Carlos!' I said, 'I was so worried! I - um, where are we?' I watched his hands reach for me and then pull back, the aborted movement a reminder of the infection racing through his body. I could not have cared less. I would have swept him into my arms and trapped him there if not for the sudden booming voice that held me still. _

_'Finally, someone who knows how to ask the right questions.' It said. The void shifted to give forth feathers and so, so many eyes. _

_'Oh, thank you, Erika. That's very kind-!' I'll admit, I blushed. It is lovely when someone compliments your journalistic practices. Carlos interrupted me, an urgent note ringing in his oaky tones. _

_'They did this.' He asserted, 'They created the biters!' _

_'Let me just stop you there,' Erika boomed. They had a voice that seemed unused to having to stop anyone, '_Technically_, I only created one - what are you calling them? Biters? That's sweet - one 'biter' and let her loose. And also, there is no 'they'. I pulled this one off by myself.'_

_I was shocked. No. I was horrified. 'You have effectively murdered most of Night Vale.' Erika's form contorted violently and I seethed. 'Was that a shrug?' I folded my arms and so did my husband. _

_'I think it was a shrug' _

_'How _dare _you hurt the people of my town!' I said. _

_'Our town.' Carlos said. And I - well, I just looked at him. There was the sound of a tuneless organ facing off with an elementary school violin orchestra as the Erika ruffled it's feathers. _

_'Do you have any idea how _boring _immortality is? I have literally unlimited power and I'm stuck in a town that won't acknowledge my presence. Do you know, I used to pay people to ignore me? Now I can't even get Steve Carlsberg to lend me ten bucks!' Erika roared above the cacophony of shrieking instruments. _

_'Well,' I shouted back, 'That's because Steve Carlsberg is a parsimonious-' _

_'Marcus Vansten?!' Carlos looked at me and I knew that look. It meant: babe, no. 'You did this because you were bored?'_

_'Well, duh,' The creature that was not exactly Marcus Vansten but was also NOT an angel rolled its many eyes. 'All the other Erikas are so busy trying to put together a case for us all getting legally recognised but I no longer have stacks of cash to throw at the problems I encounter sooo -' _

_'You were bored.' Carlos sounded almost hysterical. His breath was coming in short pants and I longed to reach out for him, to whisper soothing things into his ear. But I was frozen in fury and terror. Erika laughed and the sound reverberated through my entire skeleton. _

_'Well, it was very entertaining. Who knew Diane Crayton could shoot so well, right? And your colleague sacrificing herself so you could study her? Very noble. And, oh man, your face when you spotted that the door was open! Priceless. And - you didn't see it, of course - but people definitely went down fighting. Our old mayor? Phew. And hearing Steve Carlsberg try and convince his step-daughter that there was no noise coming from the rest of the house when, in fact, he knew that there was.' _

_'Stop.' I said, a tight feeling constricting around my chest at the thought of my Janice, my niece - _

_'And, Carlos, you little monologue in the car about how much time you wasted.' It occurred to me that perhaps today, and other days, there were things that my husband had not told me. _

_'Stop! Stop. God! You're an _angel_, isn't there some sort of Divine Plan that stops you from pulling this [BEEP]?' I was about to gently remind Carlos of the law regarding the acknowledgement of - heavenly beings, when Erika laughed, a low rumble felt most acutely in my left hip. _

_'What do you know about Divine Plans, scientist?' They laughed again and I felt it in my teeth, 'Who says the Divine Plan isn't to [BEEP] with everyone?' _

_I looked at my Carlos, the rumbling in my teeth turning into something cold and dreadful, which slid slowly down into my stomach. The void swirled around us, creeping closer and receding to reveal: _

_'Erika, Erika!' The original Erika, perhaps Marcus Vansten, said. Shocked. _

_'Erika!' One of the other Erikas was clutching a thick dossier in a stern way. 'We left you alone for one. Single. Day.' _

_'We're sooooo sorry, guys.' The third Erika turned to us, I recognised something about them, but I couldn't quite place what. 'Hi Cecil, hope you're well!' I did my best not to splutter too unattractively. Was I well? I thought not. The first Erika was slapped in the halo with the impressively thick dossier. The way that one might smack an errant sibling when your mother turns her back. 'Hey, we can totally clear this up, no-one in town will remember a thing.'_

_'It will be as if today never happened.' The dossier-wielding Erika intoned solemnly. _

_The void started to close in on us again, discordant organ music and a screaming choir rising as the Erikas unfolded their wings. I reached out and caught the sleeve of a dirty lab coat before we could be separated again. _

_'Wait!'_

_The music stopped abruptly. _

_'We can't just forget this happened.' A voice insisted. Authoritative and earnest and oaky. 'The generation of scientific understanding is an iterative process. What if the knowledge we have gained through this - this _ordeal _is the key to a future discovery or to preventing an even worse fate for the citizens of Night Vale?' Carlos' bright copper eye glistened in the void. 'A good scientist - a good _person_ \- sacrificed themselves today so that I had a better chance of finding a cure for this practical joke you decided to play on us. I can't just forget that.' I let go of Carlos' sleeve and slipped my hand into his. He squeezed it tight. _

_The Erikas looked at each other, each pair of eyes meeting before glancing away to us. _

_'I think we can come to an arrangement.' They said. _

_So, you, Listeners, you will not remember today. You will not remember running, screaming or the feeling of human teeth cutting into your flesh. You won't remember peering through a crack in your curtains as your neighbours stagger down the street or the sharp rush of terror as a pair of unnatural, metallic eyes meet yours. _

_Tomorrow, you may wonder why I so flamboyantly risk re-education with my careless chatter about the existence of angels. You may wonder why you have never noticed that the rugged and handsome scientist you've seen around town actually has two different coloured eyes, one a dark pool of molten chocolate, the other shining like a one cent coin in flames. You're allowed to wonder. Carlos and I are allowed to remember. _

_Carlos will remember the stench of a long-dead vector of angelic mischief, the steely set of a scientist's face when they have done the unthinkable. He'll remember the things he said, slick with fever, to himself and the things he said to me. Things I know without having to hear them._

_I will remember to rescue Khoshekh and his kittens - who are all fine - from the bathroom before barricading myself in my recording studio in future. I'll remember that, when it came to it, my husband set science aside to come and save me. I'll remember what the lines in his palm look like through 5 centimetres of glass._

_Carlos is here. Right here, actually. Soft hair tickling my neck as he rests his head on my chest, his long legs dangling over the arm of my chair. He has taken his lab coat off. However, it was literally covered in vomit so I'll assign no symbolism to that action. Given that none of you are going to be able to remember this broadcast, I have no issues in announcing that, later, we are going to have omg-I-can't-believe-we-survived-a-zombie-apocalypse sex and it is going to be incredible. _

[CARLOS, THE SCIENTIST, A GOOD HUSBAND] It is.

_[CECIL PALMER, VOICE OF NIGHT VALE] For now, Listeners, I hope some of my words sink gently into your collective subconscious and you, too, nestle together with a person, or people, you love. Someone who is perfect to you. And always will be._

_You never know when it might be the last time._

_Good night, Night Vale. Good night. _


	6. Epilogue

[MISHTI, A SCIENTIST]

Hi, Dad. It's me. Just a little question: how many doctorates do I need before you stop letting my calls go to voicemail, hm?

Anyway, good news! I'm coming home! My PI thinks we're working too hard and we need to reconnect with the parts of our lives that aren't science. This, coming from the guy who - I'm sure I told you about it - [static buzzing]. So yeah, I've just crossed the City Limits and I'm on my way to you and Mom. I shouldn't be more than a few hours but you know how I get with travel sickness, and I'm already feeling a bit queasy.

I think Carlos is probably right. You know I haven't been enjoying the science as much as I used to and, I know, it's exactly what you told me was going to happen, I have no hobbies because I spend so much of my time at work. I've been a little bit lost, I guess.

But I'm really excited to see you and Mom and the dog and Mom's cooking. You just cannot get proper spices in Night Vale, it drives me crazy.

Oh F-

Sorry! I didn't swear! I just - Thought I saw something in my rearview.

Shit!

I'm gonna stop the car.

Please call me back, Dad. Please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Classic zombie film cliffhanger ending* - it had to be done. Sorry, Mish. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this! Writing in this format has been a challenge but it's also been really fun and I would 100% LOVE to know what you thought!
> 
> (Also! For any/all invested parties: I did managed to submit my dissertation the other day so let's all keep our fingers, toes and various other crossable appendages crossed until I get my mark back...)

**Author's Note:**

> So I listened to this newest episode about half way through writing chapter 3 of this and (not a spoiler) where he says: [he didn't know enough about] how to properly craft suspense fiction. I felt that right in my teeth. An unprovoked attack. 
> 
> This came about because I've been reading a lot of apocalyptic science fiction and I thought it might be fun to try and write a full story in a completely different way to my usual narrative style. It is fully written and I'll probably get excited and put up a new chapter every few days. This is unbeta-d so my apologies for any mistakes! 
> 
> If you want to let me know what you think, you know where to click/type. 
> 
> I asked a guy at work whether he thought he'd survive a zombie apocalypse and he said 'Um, probably not. But I'd give it my best shot. Yeah. I'd definitely give it a shot.' That is the kind of attitude we're looking for here.


End file.
